Today I am celebrating and praising God for 15 years in recovery from an eating disorder.  On July 17, 1997, I went to my first in-patient treatment center for anorexia.  It was a long and difficult start on the road to recovery- and I have to say "first" treament center because I did relapse and have to go in-patient again a year of so later.  But that hot, summer day in Arizona was the beginning of an incredible healing story that God chose to work out in my life.  I cannot believe that it was 15 years ago today that it happened.  So much of it is a blur, and yet the feelings are so real.  Today I watched a recovery video that I made 5 years ago when it was the 10th anniversary of my start to recovery.  I looked at the faces of my friends, and was so deeply saddened because some of them were never able to loosen the grasps of their eating disorders, and they have passed away because of the disesases.  Some friends are still struggling greatly, and a few are living awesomely whole and healthy lives.  I do not take one single day of healthy living for granted, as I am sorely aware that many people who struggle with eating disorders will do so their whole lives.  But as I've said before, our God is healer!  He is power and mighty to redeem that which is His and He longs for healing in our broken hearts!  God has healed me and freed me from the snares of anorexia, and for that I am eternally grateful.  May I live my life fully in such a way that God's healing and redemptive power is evident to and possible for all.

I think about the amazing things that have changed in the past 15 years.  One does a lot of growing up between the years of 16 and 31.  A lot!  Being in recovery has made all the difference in the world, too.  Recovery has brought a restoration of family relationships.  It has brought rejoicing in the every day simplicities of food and fun.  And it has shown the redeeming power of our Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ, that all who call on Him will be saved!  As we always said in the AA meetings I attended throughout my high school years, Today I am grateful to be in recovery.  I don't write about this very often on my blog, but I've dug up some past posts about my journey if you're interested.  The one entitled "She's Not Sick Anymore" has the recovery video from 5 years ago.  I know I've said it before, but I will say it again: there is hope, and there is healing in Jesus Christ!

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I think its quite serendipitous and appropriate that today's prompt is about body appreciation.  You see, today is my sweet baby girl's very first birthday.  And if conceiving a tiny baby, then cooking that baby, giving birth and recovering from the previous 10 months doesn't make you appreciate your body, nothing will.

One of the many therapeutic exercises I had to do while in-patient at TC2 included writing all the things that I am thankful my body can do.  I remember standing in the smoking room (which I was never allowed because I wasn't 18 yet at the time) which had a wall of mirrors.  My therapist was next to me and she had me start at the top of my head and go down to the tips of my toes as I said things I was thankful for about every party of my body.  Talk about uncomfortable!  For some reason, my biggest point of contention with my body was my stomach.  I have scars that show just how much I disliked my stomach, and though I can't really tell you why it was such a hang up for me, it just really was.

As I was doing this body image exercise, I got to the area of my stomach.  I fell silent.  I had nothing good to say... nothing was coming to mind.  I could be thankful that it digested food, but at the time, I didn't like eating.  So I couldn't care less about that.  I don't know how long it took me to come up with something, but it seemed like forever.  But finally, I was able to be thankful for my stomach because someday, it would carry my unborn children.  And even though I was still a teenager, I knew that some day, far down the road, I wanted to have kids.  This actually became a leading motivation for my recovery-- to live a normal life.  And for me, that included the dream of having kids.  I knew that eating disorders can affect fertility, so the appreciation of my body and what it would hopefully some day do in terms of creating and carrying my family was huge.

Today I've thought a lot about when I was pregnant with my daughters.  Though I gained a lot of weight and saw the scale slide up an awful lot in the past 3 years, I've never once had a panic moment where the old ED-thinking crept in.  It was always about nourishing myself so I could nourish my babies; so they could be as healthy as possible.  And honestly, I had fun doing it.  When else can you beg your husband to go out and get you that special coconut milk chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream at midnight?  I attribute this all to God and his healing power, but along with that, I think the appreciation that I intentionally developed for my body in this aspect played a huge role in it as well.  I actually enjoyed the curves of pregnancy, and was able to recognize the awesome gift that God has given women in the ability to birth children.


After Gia was born, my body did even more crazy stuff.  It once again looked different and took some adjusting.  But I had confidence that my body would recover as it should, as long as I took care of it.  I breastfed Gia (and still am), so I took joy in finding healthy but filling meals and snacks (often at all hours of the day) in order to keep my milk supply up.

A Year ago today- Gia's birth day!

Now that I am exactly one year post-baby, I have a greater appreciation for my body than I ever have had before.  I've never been extremely healthy in means of exercise (as in I rarely do it), and we've just started going to the YMCA as a family.  It feels good to exercise without obsessing, and to be more than okay when several days go by and I don't make it to the gym.  Its all about moderation in life.  Knowing that the world isn't going to end if I gain weight and that ultimately, as long as I do my part in taking care of this temple God has given me, it will do what its supposed to.  I am so eternally thankful to God that my destructive behaviors didn't have a permanent impact on my ability to have a family.  Because like I said, its pretty much the dang coolest thing your body can ever do!

This is us today.  Yes, I'm sentimental and wore the same thing today that I did on her birth day last year.  Well, different pants, of course.

Ok, maybe its just me, but today's prompt: Create a Mascot, is a little strange.  I don't think I'm creative enough to do that.  Or maybe I've just been out of art therapy too long to come up with something.  So... yeah.  However, I did see a really cute mascot by another blogger who is a part of this Hungry for Change blog month.  She has the Recovery Cats!  Its so cute- you should go check them out HERE. Sorry to be lame today!

I know that somewhere along the way I made a huge running list of "Recovery Pro's" in one of my journals, I just can't find it now.  If I do, I will be sure to update this post.  Speaking of journaling, I have been going through all of my old journals and man!  That is a blast from the past.  It reminds me all the more how grateful I am to be in recovery.  I know that my reasons for recovery have varied from time to time.  In fact, my very first motivation for recovery was simply so that I could go home from an in-patient treatment center.  Ha!  Of course I know now that isn't true recovery and certainly not motives that make for a lifelong recovery (as was evidenced by my major relapse a year later).  But for this assignment, I'll write all the reasons I choose to stay in recovery today.  If I have time, I'll go back and write what my motives have been in the past and see how they've evolved.  (No promises, though... naptimes (for the babe) are short these days!)




10. Eating is enjoyable.  I know this sounds like a weird place to start, but its #10 on my list because although its not super important, it adds up to the quality of life I want to live in recovery.  As everyone knows, food is a part of life.  But I truly believe that God gave us the gift of taste and smell and sight and sound for good reasons.  One of them, being to enjoy the foods that he has placed on this earth to nourish us.  Without writing a book on this topic, eating in moderation (and sometimes a little extra splurge) is supposed to be enjoyable.  Since being in recovery I have taken so many "risks" that my former ED-self would have never taken.  Thanks to recovery, I've enjoyed beef patties & strawberry daiquiries on the beach in Jamaica at 10 am.  I've tasted the most amazing gnocchi, pizza, pasta, crepes and gelato in Italy-- and not once did I worry about the calories.  I love to travel and eating is a part of enjoying and getting to know the cultures.  I am so thankful that being in recovery allows me the freedom to do that.

9. Extra mind space.  I cringe when I think back to how much of my mental energy and time was spent counting calories of food I'd eaten, deducting calories for excessive exercise, then figuring up how much "activity" I had left to work it all off.  I'm not good at math people!  I hate it!  But yet 90% of my waking hours were consumed with these thoughts.  I've been in active recovery nearly 10 years now, and believe it or not, there are weeks that go by when I don't even think about my life before recovery.  My mind is filled with many more things nowadays- uplifting things like loving my husband and caring for my daughter.  Life is busy can jumbled enough as it is right now- I have no time to go back to the ED mindset!

8. Energy.  This kind of goes along with #9, but I just remember when I was so sick, I had no energy.  I had no drive to do much of anything that wasn't ED-related.  I lived life in a fog and was lethargic and apathetic.  That's no way to go through life!  These days, I still could use more energy but it has nothing to do with ED... it has more to do with chasing my daughter and just keeping up with life! :)

7. Friendships.  Eating disorders are very isolating.  I alienated myself from my friends during my illness, and though they were fantastic enough to stand by me and still love me, I was emotionally vacant for them.  Being in recovery allows me to invest in true, deep friendships with others, and as I am just discovering, that is truly one of the greatest lifelines God has given us in this world. 

6. Relationship with my family.  I was just a teenager when all of my ED started, and to say it drove a wedge in my family is a drastic understatement.  The lies that accompany an ED-lifestyle are too numerous and hurtful to imagine.  Being honest in recovery has allowed me a better relationship with my parents and siblings.  I did a lot of damage to those relationships in my ED years.  And while I can't get those years back, I can work hard towards being the daughter and sister that I wasn't for so long. 

5. I've come too far.  That's pretty self-explanatory.  The first time I went into treatment, my sole goal for recovery was just so I could get out after my 60 days were over.  Not much sticking power in that motivation, I'll tell ya!  Yes I was the poster child for recovery- weight was up at the top of my "healthy range", was keeping all my necessary appointments, etc.  But that made the fall into relapse all the greater.  The second time in treatment was much slower.  But this time I was determined to make it stick.  And because the second time in recovery was so much more difficult, and I had to fight so much harder, there is no way in HELL I am going to do that again.  I've come too far to refer to my old demons for coping.  (Please don't mistake this for complacency in recovery, though.)

4. I didn't want to carry it into adulthood.  When I was at the second treatment center, we'll call it TC2, I was with women and men of all ages.  The first center it was just girls my age.  But being with such a vast demographic of fellow ED_sufferers really openend my eyes.  There was one woman in particular who really motivated my recovery.  She was in her 50's, had several kids, but was so sick in her ED.  She was sneaky, conniving and completely consumed with ED.  I knew I didn't want my life to be like that.  I wanted to be able to eat pizza at midnight in my dorm and not obsess over it for days.  (I'm happy to say- that recovery goal happened!  A lot!!)

3. I've lost friends to ED's.  Eating disorders truly are life or death.  I had my own near-death experience, where I thought I was going to die from it.  I begged God to give me another chance at life.  And that was what started the ball rolling on my TC2 recovery.  They used to always say that the best anorexic is a dead anorexic.  You can be the best until you're dead.  Well, I wanted to be the best at everything but I certainly didn't want to be dead.  That was a huge battle I had to fight in my recovery journey.  Along the way I've made some incredible friends.  But sadly, several of them have succumbed to their ED's.  I remember one friend in particular.  She was from the first TC and we were so close.  We'd talk about what we wanted to do when we were "better."  How we wanted live life.  She wanted to be a flight attendant, because she loved flying.  Though we lost contact through the years, I've often thought of her as I got on planes.  Would I see her on this flight?  How cool would that be?  Then one day, I got the email... she never made it out of her ED.  She died very much still sick, very suddenly.  She was only 25.  So I know the frailty of life.  how precious it is and how I don't want to waste it being sick.

2. My baby girl.  Perhaps the second biggest motivator (after #1) in my recovery.  I want my daughter to grow up with a confident, happy, joy-filled mother.  I want to teach her to love herself.  That she doesn't have to be perfect.  That life won't be easy but she doesn't have to self-destruct to survive.  I want to model for her what a strong woman looks like. I her to intrinsically know that she was created by God for a purpose, and that she was handmade just the way she is.  Talk about a reason for recovery!

1. To give glory to God.  All things in life boil down to one thing: Giving God the glory.  Its why we are here on this earth, its the very reason we were created.  Once I figured this out and really believed it, everything changed.  There is no room for an ED in a life that is bringing glory to God.  There is no room for self-deprication, self-harm and loathing.  We are created in the image of God, to be a reflection of Christ for the world to see.  And when it comes down to it, that simply cannot co-exist with an eating disorder.

Whew!  So there are my reasons for recovery.  What are your's?

Hungry for Change is an Eating Disorder awareness group that is doing a 31 Day blog awareness challenge.  I've decided to join in the blogging throughout the month of May.  The idea is to raise awareness on eating disorders by writing about an eating disorder recovery-themed topic that is chosen for each day of May.  This is an issue that is very close to my heart, though many people don't know that part of my life.  So I thought this would be a positive and challenging reflection, as well as a way to pass on what I have learned and continue to learn about the life that is Recovery.  So, here we go!  Day 1!  (I'm not so great at always keeping  up with these things, but I will try my best!)

 I write about eating disorders because...

Well, because I had one.  I spent way too much of my youth entrapped by lies and habits that were quickly leading to my death.  Blogging wasn't around back when I was a teenager (gosh, I sound old.  I promise I'm not that ancient!), which I think is a good thing.  I would not have had much positive to say.  So now I write about eating disorders because I know the beauty that is in Recovery.  I know what its like to feel enslaved to a way of life that can kill you, and I now know what it is like to live a life free from that.  I hope that by writing some of my story and sharing about my life in recovery, I can encourage others in their new lives.

Through this month, I hope to dig out some of my old journals that I wrote in so diligently.  When I was in my second treatment center, I went through 12 journals.  (I was there 3 months.  Guess I had a lot to say.)  I hope to encourage people who may be struggling with whether or not they want to choose recovery- because it is a choice.  Every day it is a choice.  It won't always be a struggle, but it is always a choice.  I hope to share the beauty and freedom I have found in forgiving myself and letting go of the idea of "perfection."

So.... that's it in a nutshell for today.  I'd love to hear from you if you're doing this blog challenge or if you're just reading along as I write this month!  If you want to know more about the challenge, you can see the other prompts here. 

I came across this article while reading a friend's blog... its about something called "Pregorexia." I've never heard that term before... have you? Well, the article basically talks about how some anorexics deal with being pregnant... overexercising, under eating, etc.

I struggle with the question of why did I get better and she didn't?  While I don't have an answer for this, I am all the more grateful for the hope and healing that Christ has done in my life.  

The last status update on Bryna's Facebook says "Bryna is glad to not be sick anymore."  That was the update she had on Monday last week... just days before she died.  Though I am sure she was talking about overcoming a cold, one thing in that statement rings true... God is not surprised.  The Great Physician has healed her now, once and for all.  Though her struggles on earth were great, she fought as hard as she could to be healthy.  And while I am sad that her life was so tragically and abruptly ended, one truth remains: She's not sick anymore.  And there is much rejoicing in that.  I miss you, Bryna. 

Bryna is in this video at the following times:

1:54- in the red shirt behind me

2:26- in the overalls

We had all kinds of therapy there... equine therapy, group therapy, body image therapy, family therapy, art therapy, recreational therapy... ANYTHING you could imagine! One week in art therapy, we were told to find a rock and bring it with us to the art room. We were to paint on this rock everything that weighed us down with our eating disorder... shame, guilt, pain, etc... So being the good trying-for-recovery-(ok, really at that time it was more like just-trying-to-go-home) patient that I was, I made my rock. When I was finished I set it up on a shelf, like we did with all our other products of art therapy, and didn't think much about it again.

Fast forward a bit to family week. What a breakthrough that week was! At the end of a very difficult but productive week of therapy with my family, my therapist took me and a fellow patient, Rose, to this place on the ranch we hadn't been before.... It was kind of in the middle of some cacti, up a small hill, in dirt of course (this was the desert!)... and there was a cross. Jim (my therapist) handed Rose and I our rocks that we had made weeks before in art therapy. The rocks represented everything about us with our eating disorders. We talked, and cried, and prayed... and layed the rocks at the foot of the cross. As we turned to leave, exhausted, part of me wanted to pick up my rock and take it with me... it was pretty, afterall... I'd worked so hard on it. Much like the person I was in my ED... I'd worked so hard to be the best at being sick. I knew what life was like with me and ED. It was safe. I didn't want to leave it behind. I didn't want to let go. It was scary to think of a life where I no longer had my old ways to fall back on. But that's what recovery is. In a lot of ways, recovery is like repentance. Repentance means we turn from our old sinful ways and follow Him and only Him. Recovery, for me, has the very same definition... turning from my old habits and coping mechanisms and following HIM... living my life FOR Him and by Him.

The cross is what enables us to lay down our 'rocks'... all of the sins that weigh us down. His resurrection is what gives us strength to not pick the rocks, our old sinful habits, back up. I'll never forget my experience at the foot of the cross, on a dusty hill in the middle of the Arizona desert. It was the symbolic start of a new life.