At The Cross

Thursday, October 16, 2008


I heard this song on the radio this week, and have not stopped playing it over and over in my head... the song is "At the Cross" by Hillsong United. Here's the words:
Oh Lord You've searched me
You know my way
Even when I fail You
I know You love me
Your holy presence
Surrounding me
In every season
I know You love me
I know You love me

At the cross I bow my knee
Where Your blood was shed for me
There's no greater love than this
You have overcome the grave
Glory fills the highest place
What can separate me now
You go before me
You shield my way
Your hand upholds me
I know You love me
At the cross I bow my knee
Where Your blood was shed for me
There's no greater love than this
You have overcome the grave
Your glory fills the highest place
What can separate me now?
You tore the veil
You made a way
When You said that it is done(x2)
And when the earth fades
Falls from my eyes
And You stand before me
I know You love me
Oh.. I know You love me

At the cross I bow my knee
Where your blood was shed for me
There's no greater love than this
You have overcome the grave
Glory fills the highest place
What can separate me now?
You tore the veil
You made a way
When You said that it is done

I think that no matter how long (or short) you've been a Christian, some kind of image or experience comes to mind when we hear any reference to being 'at the cross' or 'at the foot of the cross.' For some people, they make think of watching The Passion Of the Christ movie. They make think of an easter play, or perhaps a time at summer camp where they nailed their sins, written on slips of paper, to a wooden cross. Some Ozark grads may recall one of Mark Moore's sermons or lectures on the subject. Its the moment in a Christian's life when they realize in their heart what they've know in their head all along... that what Christ did on the cross was for ME.
My first cross moment came in the summer/fall of 1997. I was in treatment for my eating disorder and had been at Remuda about 5 or 6 weeks. That was a time in my life where the rest of my world stood still, and I was forced to face the sin issues in my life... I was forced to look at the areas in my life where I was depending solely on myself and had been ignoring God. Talk about taking an inventory of one's life! (Step 4) That's all I was doing for 60 days! 60 days (and then some) of doing nothing but focusing on God's healing and really dealing with the root issues of where my sickness came from.

We had all kinds of therapy there... equine therapy, group therapy, body image therapy, family therapy, art therapy, recreational therapy... ANYTHING you could imagine! One week in art therapy, we were told to find a rock and bring it with us to the art room. We were to paint on this rock everything that weighed us down with our eating disorder... shame, guilt, pain, etc... So being the good trying-for-recovery-(ok, really at that time it was more like just-trying-to-go-home) patient that I was, I made my rock. When I was finished I set it up on a shelf, like we did with all our other products of art therapy, and didn't think much about it again.

Fast forward a bit to family week. What a breakthrough that week was! At the end of a very difficult but productive week of therapy with my family, my therapist took me and a fellow patient, Rose, to this place on the ranch we hadn't been before.... It was kind of in the middle of some cacti, up a small hill, in dirt of course (this was the desert!)... and there was a cross. Jim (my therapist) handed Rose and I our rocks that we had made weeks before in art therapy. The rocks represented everything about us with our eating disorders. We talked, and cried, and prayed... and layed the rocks at the foot of the cross. As we turned to leave, exhausted, part of me wanted to pick up my rock and take it with me... it was pretty, afterall... I'd worked so hard on it. Much like the person I was in my ED... I'd worked so hard to be the best at being sick. I knew what life was like with me and ED. It was safe. I didn't want to leave it behind. I didn't want to let go. It was scary to think of a life where I no longer had my old ways to fall back on. But that's what recovery is. In a lot of ways, recovery is like repentance. Repentance means we turn from our old sinful ways and follow Him and only Him. Recovery, for me, has the very same definition... turning from my old habits and coping mechanisms and following HIM... living my life FOR Him and by Him.

The cross is what enables us to lay down our 'rocks'... all of the sins that weigh us down. His resurrection is what gives us strength to not pick the rocks, our old sinful habits, back up. I'll never forget my experience at the foot of the cross, on a dusty hill in the middle of the Arizona desert. It was the symbolic start of a new life.

Lately I've been thinking about that cross moment, and what it means to lay something down at the foot of the cross. I was thinking about some things I've been dealing with in my life lately... mostly my attitude. My attitude towards certain things, certain situations, and regrettably, certain people. I thought to myself "Wouldn't it be nice if I could just escape real life for 60 days and focus on nothing but my attitude?!" In the day to day rush of just living life, it can be so easy to ignore the sins in our lives that we come to live with. I know my silent feelings towards some things are not right, but in the craziness of working 8 to 6, maintaining a house, nurturing my marriage, and finding some time for fun, well... let's just face it. Its not really high on my list of priorities. I rationalize with myself that I'm not hurting anyone by harboring this bitterness... but that is so not true! I am! When I hold on to things that Christ has commanded me to get out of my life, I am missing opporunities, blessings, and joys that I don't even know I am missing. So although I may not be able to stop my life for 60 days to work through the sins in my life, I can stop for 60 minutes in a day- 60 seconds even!- and repent of my attitude. I can once again lay it down at the foot of the cross, repenting of my attitude, and walking on with a new way of thinking and with a renewed heart that comes only from Him.

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