Day In, Day Out

Nothing eloquent or deep in this post (I hope)... just life as of late!

Everyone around me seems to have this freak 12 hour stomach bug thing. No bueno. Everyone seems to think its food poisoning because it comes on so fast and freakish, but its really not food poisoning. Hubby had it a couple weeks ago... I blamed him for eating way too much sushi. But alas, I must admit, I was wrong. Sorry hubby for giving you a hard time when you were really sick. Because now I'm feeling icky. I realllllly hope I don't get the pukes, but we'll see. Hmph.

Its a really weird feeling to have an icky stomach and also feel my baby moving around. Gives a whole new meaning to the term "rumbly tummy." Blech.

No big plans for New Years... I am hoping to break out my Cricut and scrapping stuff so I can make cards and maybe start on Whitney's baby album. I did an u/s at work yesterday and have a TON of pictures for the book!

That's all that's going on here. Our best friends had a baby last night! It was both awesome and sad for Sean and I... not going to talk much more about that, since I said this wasn't going to get too deep. Quick, someone tell a joke. Hmmmm... ok.

Another wave of ick is coming over me. Gonna go for now... have a great New Year! Oh, and btw... I won't be making any resolutions this year. I think they're stupid. If I don't know what I need to be doing to better myself, and if I am not already doing it, then is buying a new calendar really going to change anything? Me thinks not. Just my opinion, though. What are your thoughts on resolutions? Do you make them? Do you keep them?

Desert Song

A girl sang this song at church this weekend and I think it is so beautiful and SO pertinent...

You can listen to the song HERE

The Desert Song

Verse 1:
This is my prayer in the desert
And all that's within me feels dry
This is my prayer in the hunger in me
My God is a God who provides

Verse 2:
And this is my prayer in the fire
In weakness or trial or pain
There is a faith proved
Of more worth than gold
So refine me Lord through the flames

Chorus:
And I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon forged against me shall remain

I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and He is here

Verse 3:
And this is my prayer in the battle
And triumph is still on it's way
I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ
So firm on His promise I'll stand

Bridge:
All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship

Verse 4:
This is my prayer in the harvest
When favor and providence flow
I know I'm filled to be empited again
The seed I've recieved I will sow

For Christmas, I got Sean a couple of books by his favorite author, John Piper. Sean has about 10 books in his reading queue, so I started reading one that of the books I gave him. It is called Spectacular Sins (and their gloabl purpose in the glory of Christ). In true Piper fashion, it has taken me two days just to process the introduction! This is no weak sauce, folks. But I think this book is going to be right up my alley.

All along, I have known and proclaimed that God is still God. God was the same good God on July 31 (the day I found out I was pregnant) as he was on December 31 (the day we got new it was Triploidy). In the past, Sean and I have been personally hurt by the sinful choices of men around us, but have held to the truth that God is ultimately in control. In the sins of other people, though we may be affected, it is easy to know that God is still God.

But when something like this happens, and there is seemingly no one to blame, what then? Do you just consider the pain is a result of sin in general? Or do you blame God? This book is making it abundantly clear that even in the midst of pain and sin, God is still God. And not only that, but God's glory shines through in the aftermath of even the worst sins. Piper, of course, puts it better than me:

"God did not just overcome evil at the cross. He made evil serve the overcoming of evil. He made evil commit suicide in doing its worst evil...the apex of evil achieved the apex of the glory of Christ. The glory of grace." (intro p. 12)

(see what I mean? Not weaksauce, people!)

"It seems to me that Christians in the West are being coddled. We suffer little in the name of Christ. Therefore, we read the Bible not with a desperate hunger for evidences of God's triumph in pain, but with a view to improving our private pleasures." (ouch) "People who don't like Christians are all around us. Only a strange providence keeps our chruches from being bombed. It is only a matter of time till the reality of the rest of the world comes home.... The coddled Western world will sooner or later give way to great affliction. And when it does, whose vision of God will hold? Where are Christians being prepared for great global sorrows?... Christians in the West are weakened by wimpy world views. And wimpy worldviews make wimpy Christians. God is weightless in our lives. He is not terrifyingly magnificent. His sovereignty is secondary (at best) to his sensitivity." (intro p. 13)

"My aim is to show that sin and evil, no matter how spectacular, never nullify the decisive, Christ-exalting purposes of God. No, my aim is more than that. These spectacular sins do not just fail to nullify God's purpose to glorify Christ, the succeed, by God's unfathomable providence, in making his gracious purpose come to pass." (intro p.17)

In the Desert Song, I love the part that says:

I will rejoice! I will declare: God is my victory and he is here!

That's my prayer for this week... blessings to all!

Baby Blanket

My sister gave Whitney this beautiful blanket for Christmas, along with the sweetest note I have ever read in my life. I just had to share this with you guys, and give HUGE thank-you to my sister, Whitney's aunt. :-) When I opened the present with the blanket and saw Whitney's name embroidered on it, suddenly she was SO real. Not that she hasn't been 'real' for the past 6 months as we've loved on her and dreamed of her and prayed for her, but holding that blanket, knowing that soon it will hold her, made it all so real. We are so greatful to God that though she may not be with us long, she has already survived longer than she was 'supposed' to. And because of that, we will get to hold her in our arms, wrapped in this beautiful blanket.

I also wanted to show you the beautiful blanket, and let you know if you ever need to order a baby blanket for anyone, the lady who made this for us is amazing!! The black and white damask fabric is exactly what we were going to do her nursery in. Thanks for letting me share!

Southern Sassy Pants etsy shop

Merry Happy!

Merry Christmas Mom & Dad

So this video is really only for my mom and dad, but this is literally the ONLY means by which I could get it viewable to them. Youtube, email, and a million other avenues were impossible. Merry Christmas mom and dad! We love you and miss you. Sometimes these miles between us really suck! Wish you were here or we were there! :-)

What A Miserable Man!

What a miserable life this man, Irv Sutley, must lead. I just read an article on Fox News about how he complained about angles and stars on Christmas trees in California State buildings, and they were removed! He claimed that he found them "extrememly offensive" and were symbols of the "cult" of Christianity. Boy is he in for a surprise. I suppose this 'retired' disable vet truly has nothing better to do than seek out 'offensive' symbols about which to make a stir? Oh, and since he's an atheist, he's also complained about public displays of a buddhist statue, the star of David and other religious emblems. I read about people like this and truly feel sorry for them... how absolutely miserable they must be to cause a stink about such minor things! I mean, was it really that emotionally damaging for him to see an angel atop a tree that in a building he frequented once every election year? You don't like it, just don't look or get out of there! Leave it to California, though, to give in to every whine and complaint about ANYTHING. Sheesh. It really gets ridiculous out here sometimes! Did you know that an employer in California can get sued for asking the weight or age of an employee?? Maybe that's everywhere, but I'm pretty sure on job apps I filled out in NC and MO and OK had a spot for my birtdate/age.

Truly miserable these people must be... I think there are people out there who just want people to feel as horrible about life as they do. It kinda makes me think how I act towards those who are around me. I know that my attitude has a strong effect on people I am closest to. I know have had a much better attitude this past year, but I can only say that because it has been a struggle to have that good attitude! SOOoooo many times I have stopped myself from complaining about petty things, and you know what? By simply not complaining it makes my attitude toward whatever I wanted to complain about SO much better! Amazing concept, I know. Only took me 28 years to learn. (Sorry Mom (-: )

When I was younger, there was this song my mom would sing and it went like this (sung to an annoying yet catchy tune):

Do everything without complaining

Do everything without arguing

So that you may become

Blameless and pure,

Children of God.

There may have been more ot it than that, but this past year that I have been working on my attitude, I have actually caught myself humming this tune in my head. Annoying and silly? Yes. But it actually helps! So, moral of the story? Its all about the attitude. Your attitude effects those around you. Do you want to be seen as a miserable old-man scrooge/cratchety old lady? Or do you want to be seen as the one who sees the glass half-full and is a joy to be around?

Please Don't be Fooled

Today I am not strong. Today I am not brave.

Today I don't want to be hopeful or positive or look for the joy in things.

Today I just want to be normal. And this is not normal.

Tonight, I just want to be able to sleep. And breathe. And forget for a few hours all that lies ahead. All the decisions to be made.

Perhaps tomorrow things will change. But for today, I'm tired of being strong, being faithful, being hopeful, being positive.

Psalm 143:8

• 8.
• Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I lift up my soul.

An Answer from the Amnio

Sean posted this to our other blog, so I thought I'd repost here, too.

I am going to attempt to explain in this blog what has been confusing the doctor's since we began. Forgive me if I am too technical, all I am doing is copying information from other websites so that you may be informed. So here we go:

A few weeks ago the doctors took some amniotic fluid from Sheyenne's belly (that's real technical I know) so that they might run some tests in order to determine what is wrong with Whitney. They called us yesterday with the results. They determined that our baby has a genetic disorder called Triploidy. Here's the best way I can describe it... Genetic abnormalities such as Downs Syndrome or Trisomy 18 are conditions caused by an extra copy of one particular chromosome. Triploidy is an extra copy of ALL the chromosomes. Here's a more technical explaination:

"Triploidy is a rare lethal chromosome abnormality caused by the presence of an entire extra set of chromosomes. A fetus with triploidy has 69 chromosomes, rather than 46. The majority of fetuses with triploidy are spontaneously miscarried during pregnancy. Those that survive until birth will have severe growth retardation and multiple birth defects. This condition is incompatible with life."

"Triploidy is a devastating condition caused by having a full extra set of chromosomes. This extra set of chromosomes causes a variety of serious birth defects, placental problems, and severe growth problems in a fetus. In fact, most pregnancies in which the fetus has triploidy end in a spontaneous miscarriage. Very few infants with triploidy survive to term. Of those that do, most are stillborn and those that are born alive usually die shortly after birth. Infants with this lethal condition are generally small due to severe intrauterine growth retardation (IUGR) and they have multiple birth defects, including facial abnormalities, such as cleft lip, heart defects, neural tube defects (spina bifida), and other serious birth defects. The exact pattern of abnormalities depends on whether the extra set of chromosomes was inherited from the mother or from the father. Unfortunately, there is nothing that can be done to treat or cure triploidy."

It is said that Triploidy happens in only 1-2% of ALL conceptions, which makes me laugh because it feels like that makes sense for us. Another stat is 1 in 10,000 make it this far in the pregnancy because most babies die after only a month in the womb.

So where does this leave us now? That really is a great question because we don't really know that answer. As we have been, we will continue to wait and see what happens. We know that the doctors will not do anything "heroic" to save Whitney if she is born alive. I think I can speak for both me and Sheyenne that all we want is to hold our baby girl. So that continues to be our prayer to God, that he would allow us to hold this precious life that we have been so excited to see.

Last night I got to feel her move in Sheyenne's belly for the first time! It truly warmed my heart and now I know that my Christmas wish has come true. Thank you for continuing to read and we will continue to update this as God continues to teach us what we need to learn.

Pssst... pass it on!

This is a fun thing I read in another blog and thought it would be fun to do on here! :) The name of the game is Finish That Sentence!

1. I’ve come to realize that my body. . . is pretty freaking awesome. And not in the good-looking way that you may be thinking... but I love that my body is actually housing a tiny human being. I love being pregnant and never thought I'd love a protruding belly as much as I do right now!

2. I’ve come to realize that my job. . . is truly the best of both worlds. But some days, it is still a job. There's nothing I'd love more than to stay at home and do home-y things. But I am so greatful that since I am physically able to have a job (and the extra income is swell), I am beyond blessed that it is one I love every day.

3. I’ve come to realize that when I’m driving. . . I am not nice.

4. I’ve come to realize that I need. . . my mom.

5. I’ve come to realize that I have lost. . .interest in MySpace, Facebook (for the most part) and never cared about twitter in the first place.

6. I’ve come to realize that I hate it when. . . things are messy-- my car, my closet, my house, my life.

7. I’ve come to realize that if I’m drunk. . . its not me, since I'm currently growing a babe.

8. I’ve come to realize that money… is, in the words of my husband, "just money." I've also realized that giving away money is a lot more fun than earning it.

9. I’ve come to realize that certain people. . . are just idiots. Always have been, always will be. Most of the time, they can't help it though.

10. I’ve come to realize that I’ll always. . . have more things I wish I had time to do.

11. I’ve come to realize that my sibling(s). . . live way too far away.

12. I’ve come to realize that my mom… is everything I want to be and more.

13. I’ve come to realize that my cell phone. . . isn't near as cool as my husband's. But I still like my phone better for texting.

14. I’ve come to realize that when I woke up this morning. . . I had no idea how much I would just want to crawl back in bed all day.

15. I’ve come to realize that last night before I went to sleep. . . I should not have drank the caffiene I did.

16. I’ve come to realize that right now I am thinking. . .about a million different things. If my thoughts were each a different color, my brain as a whole would be poop brown because they are all swirled together.

17. I’ve come to realize that my dad. . . taught me more about my heavenly Father than anyone else on this earth. He is truly Christ in the flesh. I've also come to realize that men like my dad are rare and I am more blessed than even I know to have him as my dad.

18. I’ve come to realize that when I get on Facebook. . . I am only hearing about my friends' lives from a distance, and wish we were really chatting over coffee.

19. I’ve come to realize that today. . . is O-V-E-R. And I am so glad.

20. I’ve come to realize that tonight. . . is a great night to remember. A slight emotional breakdown followed by a great time talking with my wonderful husband, then putting up the Christmas tree. Yes, one week before Christmas.

21. I’ve come to realize that tomorrow. . . I will need a better attitude than I had today if I am to do all the last minute Christmas shopping.

22. I’ve come to realize that I really want to. . . be a stay at home mommy who is ridiculously organized and cooks dinner from scratch every day, but still manages to look hot and dress hip. Ha!

23. I’ve come to realize that the person mostly likely to repost this is. . . just as much a sucker for wasting time as I am. But that's ok because most of us are on Christmas break!

24. I’ve come to realize that life. . . life is precious and we must protect it. I am also realizing that the one thing that is even better than life is God's love.

25. I’ve come to realize that this weekend. . . has come upon us too fast! And that at this time last year, we were preparing for one of our favorite Christmases to date-- when my parents came out to see us!

26. I’ve realized the best music to listen to when I am upset. . .Guns N Roses or Skid Row, without questions. Its always November Rain or 18 & Life.

27. I’ve come to realize that my friends. . . live too far away. Or maybe I'm the one who lives too far away. I am also realizing that we have great friends here where we live, too.

28. I’ve come to realize that this year. . . threw the biggest curves balls in my 28 years thus far.

29. I’ve come to realize that my husband. . . is a much better than I ever even thought he was when we first started dating. And that's saying A LOT because I thought the world of him then. He's everything I need/want/care about/desire/delight in/love AND MORE.

30. I’ve come to realize that maybe I should. . . take better care of myself.

31. I’ve come to realize that I love. . . my husband beyond words. Seriously. No words.

32. I’ve come to realize that I don’t understand. . . God.

33. I’ve come to realize my past. . . has become my ministry.

34. I’ve come to realize that parties. . . should be had more often. Hubbys work doesn't even do a staff Christmas party! So sad! I love getting all fancied up for Christmas parties. My dad's work used to have the best ones when I was growing up. They were help at the Tulsa Garden Center mansion at Woodward Park. Can you say uh-mazing? Yes, we need more parties like that.

35. I’ve come to realize that I’m totally terrified. . . of the next step.

36. I’ve come to realize that my life. . . is beyond good. I talked with a woman today who shared her life story and just thought to myself the whole time "God, how did I get so lucky? Thank-you for protecting me and delivering her."

Dancing With My Baby

Sean wrote this post on our other blog today and I thought I would share. Its so beautiful.

PS-(We started another blog specifically about Whitney. HERE'S THE LINK TO THAT. I generally post anything baby-related here first and then on the other one. But I wanted to keep this blog going, as opposed to just jumping ship. That's why you'll also see funny, everyday life things on here like, say... my husband's rap video. :-) So while this blog keeps up with all aspects of our life, the other one is mainly for updates on us and WHitney. mae sense? ok, good.)

Dancing With My Baby
This has been a rough week. Early this week I had my first dream about my baby. I wish that I could remember it clearly, but all I can tell you is she was beautiful and had gorgeous brown hair and rosie cheeks (like me) and a heart melting smile. How, you may be asking, did I know it was my baby girl? That is a good question and the only way I can answer is I woke up right after the dream and began praying for her again.

It has been about a month since we found out all the difficulties with our girl. The days have been different and difficult in their own ways. There have been many different things that have set off emotions that I cannot explain. Being at home with my family was great but difficult in its own ways. It was hard being with them having the thought lingering in the back of my mind that they will never get to meet the "new" addition to the family. It is hard living in the hope that everything can be alright but with the reality of what the doctors are always telling us.

We had another doctor appointment today with the same old results. NOTHING! Whitney's heart is still beating which is wonderful, but the doctor again has no news for us and we are still waiting on the results from the amino. This pregnancy has been nothing but waiting and waiting and waiting. I thank God for the Psalms which has ministered to my heart throughout this whole process. The many words of David crying out to the Father comfort me in letting my true emotions out as well, which if you know me is difficult because those true emotions come in the form of tears.

Tonight I got to watch my best friend dance with his baby girl. It was obviously bitter/sweet to me. My friend has been a huge support to me and a great role model in being a dad. What's funny is without him I would have been so incredibly scared about being a dad to a girl, but because of his great daddyness I knew I could do it. I loved watching him and his daughter dance, and I continue to pray to God that I might get the chance to dance too with my baby here in this world, but if not I know that my day will come in heaven where all imperfections are taken away. Whitney we all love you and continue to lift you up in prayer to the one who knits you in the womb.

This Thing Called Hope

Sean and I had another dr. appt. today... and as is par for the course, we came out with no more information than we walked in with. We are still waiting on the results of our amnio, and after that our doctor will hopefully have a better idea of what kind of care plan we will make for the rest of our pregnancy.

As we were leaving, Sean and I were talking about how we just can't help but feel hopeful that God will perform a miracle and heal our daughter. If the amnio comes back with no chromosomal abnormalities, there is plenty of time for most of the abnormalities that we have seen on the ultrasound to be healed and corrected. This hope that we have in her healing is so strong at some moments, and nearly non-existant in other moments.

I have never felt "hope" as strongly and urgently as I have in these past few weeks. But as we left the doctor today, I started to wonder, what happens when all that we've hoped for doesn't come true? If this is what you call hope, what do you call it when all that you've hoped for and believed in is gone? We jokingly came up with a 'colorful' term for this opposite-of-hope, but I've still been thinking about it all night.

I've finally realized that as a Christian, I always have hope... I have the hope of heaven, the hope of salvation and the hope of Christ. The hope of our daughter being healed may some day fade away, but hope itself never has to leave. It all depend on the one in which I put my hope in. If my hope is truly in Christ, then hope will never be lost. I may grieve the outcome if it is not what I had 'hoped' for, but my eternal hope that someday everything will be right never has to go away.

I still have moments of 'high hopes' that our Whitney will be healed, often followed by moments of despair at the 'what-ifs'. But I am trying to really check myself and ask where it is that my hope truly lies.

"May the God of HOPE fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him so that you may overflow with HOPE by the power of the Holy Spirit."

He's pretty much got a record deal already...

Ok, not exactly. But Sean and Jimmy and the rest of the Jr Hi sponsors made this promo video for their winter camp... its hillarious! They're so gangster. :-)

A Lifetime of Learning...

(This might be a long one... wanna get a cup of cocoa first?)

Can I just tell you how I feel that God has truly prepared me my whole life for this very specific season? I've always known and believed that each of our experiences in life build upon one another, and help us in our future plans and decisions. Every choice we make in life will impact another choice or circumstance that will arise in the future.

I was 8 years old when my baby brother was born. Though I was young and don't remember any of the deatils, I know that my mom had a very difficult pregnancy with him. She was on bedrest most of the pregnancy. In fact, we didn't even know she was pregnant until she had to go on bedrest and we were wondering why Mom had to be in bed all day! The doctors told my parents that David would have a very slim chance of leading a normal life... because he would certainly be born premature, its was likely that he would be deaf and possibly blind, have mental delays and a whole host of other medical and developmental problems. Well, my brother was born extremely premature on October 8th. He was in the NICU for a very long time. Because I was young, I don't know all the details, but I do know that his outcome was sketchy at best sometimes.

Finally, right before Christmas, David got to come home. He was so tiny, he fit into one of our stockings! Though he still had to be hooked up to a heart monitor at all times, he was home and getting stronger each day. I will never forget the day that David was dedicated in front of our church. I think it was Steve Thomas (but I'm not sure about that) who stood up in front of the congregation with my parents as they held David, and he said "Folks, this is a child, not a choice." That was my first encounter with the thought that there would ever be a choice in continuing a pregnancy. To this day, God's sovereignty, healing and protection shines through in the life of my brother... a smart, flourishing 20-year old college student living in Chicago. He can very much see, hear, speak, walk, think... all things the doctors told him he might not be able to do. Before he was born, my parents had a choice of whether or not to continue with his life, knowing that it might be difficult. But the decided to rely on God and handle with care the life that He entrusted to them, and I am forever greatful for their example.

Though I will never forget that moment in church, I haven't thought about it in years. Fast-forward to college. I had a roomate who had a night of 'indescretion' and thought that she may be pregnant. I took her to a pregnancy care center in our town, and there she received wonderful counseling, caring support and life-changing information. She wasn't pregnant, but I was so impressed with the quality of care and the dignity that she was given, I knew I had to be a part of that ministry. I began volunteer training in January and started counseling there once a week. I learned so much about the sanctity of human life, the beauty of God's designs in His children, and the value that every single beating heart has. I saw beautiful but broken women make heartbreaking decisions... decisions not for life. I saw the effect it had on their lives, their relationships, their souls. I heard the lies that this world told them, and my heart broke along with theirs. I also got to see beautiful, strong women who made difficult decisions for life. I saw how their lives were changed, how their hearts were changed, and the joy that they carried with them. With every flicker of a heartbeat I saw on ultrasound, the truth from so many years ago resonated in my head, "Its a child, not a choice."

Several years, several jobs and several moves later, I have found myself again working in a life-affirming ministry I love. I truly have the best of both worlds here... daily contact with men and women who desperately need to know the love and grace of Christ (and the freedom to share that with them!), while at the same time, being constantly surrounded, uplifted, encouraged and loved by Godly superwomen. Before God even brought Whitney into our lives, He knew that Sean and I would need the support of those who value life just as much as we value our unborn daughter. Through all of this, I can honestly say that I have a greater understanding of where many of my clients are coming from, where as before I had been so protected from the tough decisions that arise with either an unplanned pregnancy or a pregnancy with a poor prenatal diagnosis.

I feel like God has prepared me my whole life for this very season. He has taught me the beautiful, amazing truths of how He creates life. He has given me the support of loving friends and family and co-workers who are 100% behind Sean and I in our decision to carry Whitney until God takes her home. I am enjoying the growth and development of my daughter, even though I can't see her. This may sound silly, but I am so thankful for the scientific advances that allow us to know what is going on in my womb... at 21 days, her heart was beating. By 7 weeks, she had all of her vital organs. She started moving (though I couldn't feel it yet!), and the buds of milk teeth began to appear. By 10 weeks, her hands and feet were perectly formed and her fingerprints already permanently engraved on her skin. By 16 weeks, she had fingernails and eyelashes! I could go on and on about the miracle of our little one. But the point is, I am so thankful that God cared enough about Whitney that he took years to prepare her mamma for the journey of caring for her.

Better Than Life

I've been reading through the Psalms and have been finding great strength, hope and comfort from them. However, a couple of nights ago I came across one that has been giving me fits ever since I read it. Here it is:

Psalm 63:3 (New International Version)

³ Because your love is better than life,
my lips will glorify you.

You may wonder what my problem is with this verse... afterall, I've read it countless times and its even in the lyrics of many songs. Every time I have read this verse in the past or called it to mind, it has been during a tough time in my life. Its always been a comforting reminder to know that my God's love is so much better than this sometimes messed-up, difficult, painful life we live. Because God's love is better than our pain, we will sing his praises.

However, in light of our current trial, I am really having a hard time with this verse-- just being honest here. I'm reading this verse from a completely different perspective. You see, there is nothing that I would love more right now than for my little girl to have life. I desperately want to hold her as she breathes in her first breaths of life, lay her on my chest and feel her body move ever-so slightly as she sustains that life, and put my ear on her tiny chest and listen to the rhythm of her heart beating. Right now, in my human brain, there can be no better thing than life for my little girl.

But this verse is telling me differently. This verse means that God's love is EVEN BETTER than Whitney ever taking a breath, ever crying a tear, or ever falling asleep in my arms. This tells me that yes, God's love is better than all my pain and all the sorrow that this life brings, but it also means that God's love is even better than the best thing that I can imagine at this moment. And that's hard for me.

Please don't think for a second that I am losing my faith or becoming bitter at God because I'm not. Of course I know in my head that His love truly IS better than anything. I know that, I feel that, I believe that. I know that God is not causing any of this to happen, and that our trials do not change the fact that God is good all the time. But the thought of losing Whitney adds a whole new dimension to my understanding of God's love. His love is ... deeper... stronger... better... and far more intimate and personal than I have ever imagined before and because of that, I can praise Him thru our storm. I also have my dear daughter to thank for helping me to see the true greatness of our God's amazing, unfailing, never-changing love. And that is knowledge that will live with me forever.

Amnio

Today we went back to the Children's Hospital. I wasn't able to meet with the neonatalogist, as she had an emergency come up. So we are going to reschedule for another time.

They were, however able to do the amniocentesis today. Whitney's fluid level is up a little, and her cord wasn't totally in the way like it was last time we tried. We didn't have the same radiologist doing it (Dr. H) that we did last time, and I was kinda bummed about that, but this Dr. was just fine. Except for the fact that he kept calling Whitney a "fetus"... I wanted to say "Can you see the heartbeat? Yeah, that's my daughter, not just some 'fetus.' " However, I decided against saying anything hostile, seeing as how he was the one piercing a big fat needle through my belly. :-) He was able to get a clean sample and so now we are just praying that the lab will be able to get us some answers. (Believe it or not, sometimes, even after doing an amnio, the lab is unable to come up with a conclusive diagnosis. With our luck, that would be the case. But we are really praying not!) I'm home for the rest of the day just taking it easy. We won't know the results of our amnio for atleast 8-10 days. I'm not really anxious about that wait, as we aren't really expecting good news anyways. We are just hoping for more knowledge that will aid us and the doctors in caring for Whitney before, during and after her birth.

Thanks for your prayers, all! We appreciate them!

Whitney!

I thought you all might like to see some pictures of this little girl that Sean and I are so madly in love with. So... here she is in all her black-and-white ultrasound photo cuteness. :-)

Profile Pic:
This is my favorite of her... a front-on shot... you can see where her eyes are, too! Isn't she beautiful?

And here's a weird 3-D one... she has a hand in her face and her neck is tucked into her chest a little bit. :-)

Praise for this Appointment!

Through my job, I have been able to meet some really neat people in the medical community. One of them is a doctor I met in a nearby town, where we will be taking our mobile medical unit. He runs a clinic in a very poor town, and never refuses to see a patient if they are sick, regardless of their ability to pay or not. He loses millions of dollars every year, just seeing patients for free. He is a strong, Christian man who is very pro-life and is extrememly well respected in the area. Also through the course of making contacts for our mobile unit, I have gotten to know the VP of this doctor's medical board very well. (She's one of the women I had a meeting with yesterday!) This doctor's wife also 'just happens' to be the head of the neonatal unit at the children's hospital we have been going to.

This morning, our genetic counselor called and said that she would like for us to meet with one of their neonatalogists to talk about what can happen if Whitney makes it to birth, what to expect in the mean time, etc. So we set up the appointment for Thursday at 12. Then I remembered the connection between the doctors I know and immediately called our genetic counselor back and requested that we meet with the doctor who's husband I know. I have no doubt that she is as genuine caring and committed as her husband is. We shuffled the appointment to a time she can be present, and if there are no emergencies that she needs to be at, she will be at our meeting! Praise the Lord!

I know it is a little thing, but this is the first doctor we've had that I know is a Christian and will not recommend again that we terminate our pregnancy. I hope that this meeting goes well... again I'm not really sure all this meeting will entail, but hopefully it will give us more information. And I am learning that in this situation, information is key. We will also try on Thursday to do another amnio. Thanks for the prayers, friends.

Words from Friends

When I first found out I was pregnant, I immediately began a new tab on our bookmarks bar on our computer. This is the bar at the top of our screen, just under the internet address, where you can "bookmark" frequented websites. I started a new tab called "Baby Stuff." I put websites like Babies R Us, The Bump, April 2010 Birth Club, My Pregnancy Calendar, SafeFetus, Cribsheet Patterns, etc. In my free time, I'd browse various websites and add bookmarks to this new tab. I never imagined that by mid-way through my pregnancy I would be adding bookmarks like this: Share Pregnancy & Infant Loss, Poor Prenantal Diagnosis, Pearl's Story, Audrey Caroline, and Centering Corporation.

When I first found out I was pregnant, I used phrases like:

- On her first birthday

- nursery decor

- late night feedings

- developmental milestones

All normal, warm fuzzy things that every new mom dreams of day in and day out.

I started to make decisions about:

- breastfeeding or bottle feeding

- cloth diapering or not

- cry it out or answer each peep

- natural birth or epidural

Not really life or death issues, but just as important to this first time mom who just wants to do everything right.

When we found out Whitney was sick, our vocabulary phrases quickly changed to phrases like:

- incompatible with life

- chromosomal genetic abnormality

- extreme medical intervention

- autopsy

Words I never dreamed I would associate with my first (and only?) unborn child.

In the weeks since we found out about Whitney's multiple conditions, we've had to make decisions about:

- terminate or not (lucky for us, this was a no-brainer, but none the less a difficult thing to face)

- amniocentesis or not

- carry to term or not

- switch doctors of not

- should we do more tests or not

We've never faced this before, and literally everything is left up to Sean and I to decide. While I am grateful that we have total say in our baby's life, it is difficult to know what to do, being in such uncharted territory. One thing I've learned is that there is not always a simple yes or no to any given situation. There's always a little nuance somewhere that throws a loop into each decision to be made.

Though we are facing such foreign circumstances and often feel like we are just drowning in a sea of the unknown, on thing that God is faithful in doing is bringing people into our paths to lift us up.

I had a meeting at work today with some colleagues I will be partnering with on a major endeavor. Throughout the course of our (long) meeting, I received 5 phone calls from different doctors, hospitals and nurses. Each phone call presented a new direction for my pregnancy care, a new person to talk to and consult with, and a decision that had to be made on one thing or another. Luckily, the women I was meeting with were very gracious and understanding of the interruptions.

Throughout our meeting, they shared with me several different gems of phrases that brought peace and strength to me. The biggest thing I came away with from them is don't limit God. I do believe that God will heal Whitney. I know it may not be in the way I want it to, but he will heal her. And for right now, I am believe that at this very moment he is healing inside of my womb. Whether or not that is really happening I have to wait and see... but either way, God is still God. Its not my job to determine the outcome... its just my job to believe he can do it.

One of the things shared with me was about a Jewish tradition... in Jewish tradition, there is an unspoken principle that whenever a visitor crosses the threshold of a friend's house, they are submitting to the owner of the home-- a respect thing. But in return, the owner of the home is giving his protection to his visitor. The same is true on our journey with God... when God opens a door and we cross that threshold, we are in submission to Him. However, God is promising His protection in return. God has graciously opened the door for Sean and I to become parents. And as He always does, he has promised us protection. Of course I know protection doesn't mean freedom from pain, for we live in a fallen world. Over and over in the Psalms, we are reminded that the Lord is our shield, our rock, our fortress, our deliverer. And I am claiming that for us as we are on this journey.

Finally, my friends and colleagues remidned me that God has purposely entrusted us with the life of Whitney Jill because He knows our (Sean's and myself's) hearts and he knew we would make the right decisions regarding her life... he knew that we would love her with all our might until His mission for her is accomplished. Her name is already written in the Book of life, and therefore, I believe He has a plan for her. I am honored that God is allowing us to parent Whitney and love on her for as long as we can. That is what is going to make the next weeks and months possible for us.

Sean started the tradition of celebrating St. Nick's day last year. Its something he did as a kid. As Sean was getting out the stockings and filling mine with candy and a gift, we were both hurting with the knowledge that our daughter may never have her own stocking, or open a St. Nick's gift. That saddens me, and it hurts. But we've decided to include Whitney in our Christmas traditions this year. It may be the only Christmas we have with her, so we want to make the most of it. I know that all of this is really more for Sean and I, but that's ok.

Alright... enough for now... time for hot chocolate and a little TV catch up. :-)

_____________________________________________________________

Grrrrrr

Can I just say that I am very frustrated right now?! My primary OBGYN called me yesterday to say that he wants to refer me to a high risk OB and that he would be taking over my care. That was fine with me. He said that the new doctor would like to do his own ultrasound and then would actually decide on where to go with my care from then.

So this morning we went and had another ultrasound, only the doctor wasn't there. The ultrasound tech said I could come back or wait for him. I just told her to call when the Dr. got back and had time to talk with us.

The new doctor's office called just a bit ago and said that the referral from my original Dr. was not for a transfer of care... it was just for an ultrasound. What the heck?! GR@*^$#&*$@*&^#$ The last thing we really needed was another ultrasound... we've already had MANY of those done and neither one is good or changes anything. So basically, we've just paid for another VERY EXPENSIVE and UNECESSARY doctor's visit, in which we didn't actually see the doctor. (Who, BTW, may or may not become my new caregiver.)

Oh the joys and frustrations of healthcare. (To whom no one, I believe, truly has the answers... despite what Obama says.)

You Are Not Alone

Of course this phrase automatically makes me think of one of my top 10 fave MJ songs, but that's beside the point....

Several times today, I have been reminded that I am not alone in my suffering. And not that I ever thought the world revolved around me or my problems, but sometimes, in the midst of our pain, it is easy to forget that there are hurting people all around us.

Just with my co-workers, there is so much going on in their lives... one colleague's loss of a young college student, another who had heart surgery yesterday, a woman dealing with the loss of loved ones and the grief that holidays bring, injury and illness in the family... I could go on and on. While it does not make me feel better or change my circumstances to know that so many around me are also hurting, I do take heart in knowing that I am not the only one fighting a daily battle.

The joy that I can see through all of these circumstances, is the hope and joy of Christ. Though many of our situations are difficult and riddled with grief and pain, we are all sisters in Christ, walking through this life together, knowing that this truly isn't the end. Knowing that any trials we may face are ultimately for HIS glory. And can I just tell you how cool some of these stories are going to be when God's full plan is revealed? For the young man who lost his life, I am praying and believing that because of this, his father will come to know the Lord. For my friend who is grieving her loved ones at this time of year, I am rejoicing with her in the promise of eternity where she will be able to catch up on all the years she's missed with those loved ones. And through our baby, Whitney, I am praying and believing that God will reveal his goodness and his glory to those who do not already know him.

We have yet another doctor appointment tomorrow... this time with a high risk OB. I thought my OBGYN was going to just transfer care to this new doctor, but it turns out this new doctor has to do an "assessment" of our situation to see if he will indeed take me or not. Don't really know what that means, other than we will get to see our beautiful baby again tomorrow morning. And right now, that's all that really matters.

Another Update

We had our appointment at VCH today. Whitney is now measuring around 19 weeks everywhere (head, legs, etc) except for her belly, which continues to measure about 3 weeks behind that. Pretty much everything is the same as it was last time... nothing better, nothing much worse. Her amniotic fluid is down by 1 level-- last time it was a 7, this time it is a 6. Normal pregnancies at 20 weeks are around 15. She was a little tiny bit more active this time, but still very low muscle development.

Sean and I were actually kind of optimistically hopeful for a few hours, until we met with the radioligist, Dr. H, who reminded us how grave the situation is. We elected to do an amniocentisis (big, fat needle in my belly), but when Dr. H tried to do it, Whitney's umbilical cord was in the way. The doctor told us he just did not want to take the risk, as our risks are already extremely elevated due to the lack of fluid. I appreciate his care and concern for our baby. Dr. H reiterated that Whitney will most likely not be born alive, and if she is, she will not live outside of the womb. Though I know it was difficult for him to say this, I appreciate his honesty. He said he has never seen anything like our situation, and of the situations that are somewhat similar to our's, he's very seldom had to deal with. I of course can't help but wonder, "Why us? Why our baby?" Its like the perfect storm of freak conditions. I guess I shouldn't be surprised... crazy, abnormally fast deterioration of my heart muscles when I was severly malnourished in high school... freak accident in college where I wound up being life-flighted from Mexico to San Diego.... freak accident again in college where I went arms first through my dorm room window, superman style... sigh.

Dr. H was encouraging in a couple of ways, however. He told us that many people he knew who have had pregnancy complications have gone on to have healthy, successful pregnancies in the future. That is what Sean and I are praying and hoping for. Dr. H also told us that he was very impressed with the way Sean and I were handling this whole situation. He said that our strength was very evident and our support of one another is unlike anything he's seen. He even said it brought tears to his eyes to see the way we are handling this all. If we'd been thinking, we'd have told him it was only because of our faith and hope in Christ... but neither of us thought fast enough to say that. We were just shocked that he said as much as he did. We're praying for Dr. H and believe that God can still use our situation and our belief in the sanctity of human life to impact Dr. H and his practice.

So what next? In two words... no clue. We were hoping for more clarity with this appointment, but really didn't get it. Well, that's not entirely true... the clarity we got is pretty much just that Whitney will not make it in this world. So now our quandry is, do we accept that as our clarification that we have been praying for? Or do we continue to hope for a miracle? Is it possible to do both at the same time? I am going to call my OBGYN tomorrow and see if he will continue to care for us during this pregnancy or if he will refer us on to a high risk dr. I'm hoping he will feel comfortable staying with us, because we really do like him.

Sean and I have felt a lot more peace today than we did at our last appointment, which is good. It still sucks and still hurts and is still so hard. But I am so thankful for my husband who is truly my partner in all of this.

Quick Update

We have another appointment tomorrow at Valley Children's Hospital. It will just be another ultrasound, and from there we will hopefully know more of what to do.

Honestly? This is hard and it sucks. I want to be planning our nursery, attending baby showers, and buying bows and pink dresses.

I did not want to leave Cincinnati at all. I cried and cried that we had to leave. I put off packing and tried not to think about it. But, we all have to go back to reality at some point. So now we are back at home, but I'm not really happy to be here. Being home means having to deal with all this...doctors appointments, medical bills, and tough decisions that no one should ever have to make. It means having to go to the grocery store (which I still didn't do), dealing with a pile of mail (mostly junk and bills-- but a few Christmas gifts!), and having to go to work. All things I desperately do NOT want to do, but must.

Psalm 138:8

⁸ The LORD will fulfill his purpose for me;
your love, O LORD, endures forever—
do not abandon the works of your hands.